Everyday is a constant struggle, sometimes big sometimes small; a struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to do anything, a struggle to be happy. Days that I actually reach that point it is a struggle not to notice people’s faces as I am sure they are wondering how long it will last. Why I just can’t be normal already. Or of course…the “I know she is hurting but I am not sure what to say or how to say it”, or better yet…”lets not talk about it because that would mean opening a can of worms that, lets face it, no one wants to deal with”.
MY SON IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT AVOIDED! HE IS A PERSON! HE HAS PURPOSE! WHEN PEOPLE THINK OF HIM I WANT THEM TO SMILE AT HIS MEMORY NOT BE SAD FOR ME OR MY FAMILY!
It’s been 7 months.
Normal does not exist in my world. I miss him. I miss me. I have no idea who I am anymore; I am struggling to find out. I am so far off from where I thought I would be at this point I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have my normal escape. My computer is broken and I am stuck on the desk top with noise surrounding me. It has taken me far too long to write this much…much less remember the point I was trying to make. So I have pent-up so much emotion I have almost reached a point of numbness.
Today I want to scream. I want to cry and I want to go off.
People don’t understand why I don’t care about their stupid drama. No one understands me but here it is straight. I don’t care about the little dramas in life anymore. My son is gone and next to that…your issues with me or what I may or may not be doing right are laughable. I have 3 things that matter to me; my relationship with God. my relationship with my family and that my son’s memory is honored.
I know that probably sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and being selfish and that may be the case but I don’t know how else to do life right now.
I am lost and clinging to God and my family are all I have got. It’s a struggle to even do that right.
OK I FEEL BETTER NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT.
I guess the bottom line is please be patient with me. I am trying.
On another note:
I have been trying so hard to figure out what I want to do for his birthday. Something great. Something Happy. A memorial birthday party but who will come with a smile? A smile a long with tears I can handle. Without the smile?? It would be miserable.
Here is what I have so far:
Some sort of party
Letters to Donavin tied to a balloon (although I would love a copy of all of them) to be released. (Although, a part of me feels bad about the balloons and littering aspect)
Money that would have been used on birthday presents donated to brief encounters.
Maybe some sort of memorial bench somewhere.
Of course a fabulous birthday cake ; )
I don’t know. I just want it to be great. I am open to suggestions. 🙂
She told me the other day that angels were going to come pick her up and take her to heaven and she would have fire in her hands and baby brother would be human again and he would live with us and not be “died.” She misses him so much.