Today is a bad day


Everyday is a constant struggle, sometimes big sometimes small; a struggle to get out of bed, a struggle to do anything, a struggle to be happy. Days that I actually reach that point it is a struggle not to notice people’s faces as I am sure they are wondering how long it will last. Why I just can’t be normal already. Or of course…the “I know she is hurting but I am not sure what to say or how to say it”, or better yet…”lets not talk about it because that would mean opening a can of worms that, lets face it, no one wants to deal with”.

MY SON IS NOT SOMETHING I WANT AVOIDED! HE IS A PERSON! HE HAS PURPOSE!  WHEN PEOPLE THINK OF HIM I WANT THEM TO SMILE AT HIS MEMORY NOT BE SAD FOR ME OR MY FAMILY!

It’s been 7 months.

Normal does not exist in my world. I miss him. I miss me. I have no idea who I am anymore; I am struggling to find out. I am so far off from where I thought I would be at this point I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have my normal escape. My computer is broken and I am stuck on the desk top with noise surrounding me. It has taken me far too long to write this much…much less remember the point I was trying to make. So I have pent-up so much emotion I have almost reached a point of numbness.

Today I want to scream. I want to cry and I want to go off.

People don’t understand why I don’t care about their stupid drama. No one understands me but here it is straight. I don’t care about the little dramas in life anymore. My son is gone and next to that…your issues with me or what I may or may not be doing right are laughable. I have 3 things that matter to me; my relationship with God. my relationship with my family and that my son’s memory is honored.

I know that probably sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself and being selfish and that may be the case but I don’t know how else to do life right now.

I am lost and clinging to God and my family are all I have got. It’s a struggle to even do that right.

OK I FEEL BETTER NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUT.

I guess the bottom line is please be patient with me. I am trying.

On another note:

I have been trying so hard to figure out what I want to do for his birthday. Something great. Something Happy. A memorial birthday party but who will come with a smile? A smile a long with tears I can handle. Without the smile?? It would be miserable.

Here is what I have so far:

Some sort of party

Letters to Donavin tied to a balloon (although I would love a copy of all of them) to be released. (Although, a part of me feels bad about the balloons and littering aspect)

Money that would have been used on birthday presents donated to brief encounters.

Maybe some sort of memorial bench somewhere.

Of course a fabulous birthday cake ; )

I don’t know. I just want it to be great. I am open to suggestions. 🙂

Addy says:

She told me the other day that angels were going to come pick her up and take her to heaven and she would have fire in her hands and baby brother would be human again and he would live with us and not be “died.”  She misses him so much.

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4 responses to “Today is a bad day

  1. BIG HUGS!! Your entries always tug my heart so much.

    I don’t know if you know, but losing a loved one often has a grief cycle of 3-5 years. It takes that long to adjust to the torment of their loss. Not that people “get over it”, but it takes that long to be able to go back into a normal life and live life more normally…though the normal will always be different. To me you still seem so fresh and new in this loss. Give yourself a LOT of time to deal with it. There is no time table to feel better. Emotions work themselves through the way that they do. I imagine losing a child would take a long, long time to be able to pick up and move on.

    I imagine you knew all of that…it must be incredibly frustrating dealing with other people who think you should be all better by now. It’s your SON, your BABY. It’s going to take time. My heart aches so much for you. I don’t know you (other than that you are another Andaluz momma), but I think of you often, and I wonder how you are doing.

    I understand people being cautious in what they say. I sometimes wonder if I say the wrong things to you, but I want you to know that there are those of us out here who are listening and loving you through this…and I hope if I ever say anything wrong that tweaks you, that you know that I never mean it that way.

    I love your idea of a birthday party. Maybe your daughter could help you plan it and tell you what you should do for it…adding things you & your hubby wants. I love the balloon release too. Beautiful ideas.

    Hang in there, beautiful lady. This time will eventually pass…and I’m sure you feel some torment about that too. I imagine if I were in your shoes, part of me would feel guilty at ever being able to move on and be normal again. But maybe that’s not how it really feels. As painful as it is, it seems like you are dealing with everything in such a healthy way – you’re feeling it – releasing it – living it. I know for me, your family, your son, your continuing on…they are things I will always remember. I will always remember your beautiful boy and your family’s journey through this. He most definitely did come here for a reason. You all touch many lives.

    BIG HUGS.

  2. Count me in for a party, a big smile and you know I will make the fabulous cake, how could I not make my nephews birthday cake?!?? I also really like the idea of donations to brief encounters. I’ll help plan in any way I can. Keep trying to find ways to write.

    I love you, i love BOTH your children and I am here for you!

  3. We do the balloon thing every year for Bella’s birthday and the anniversary of her passing. It’s always the same close people, family, and those who are adopted family. We have cake, we take photos. We remember. We keep her alive through that. You will always miss him. Forever and ever! People’s drama will always be so little compared to what you have been through. You’ll hurt and ache. People will look at you and just want to hug you but be afraid to bring those painful memories back to life. I can’t tell you how many conversations Jen and I had over the course of two years, full on tear sessions, bringing those painful memories back to life. Not for the sake of pain, but for sake of remembrance and grieving. It sucks! There is nothing worse than losing children. People’s crap that they think is a big deal, make me laugh. I’ve gotten to the point if it is something worth feeling bad for then I can be compassionate but if it is full bs, then I tell them, that I don’t have time to listen to them whine. I’m not the person who is going to feel sorry for them or tell them what they want to hear. I’ve dealt with a lot of shit my life, and this piddly stuff that won’t matter in a week, is not allowed to take up time in my life. You’ll get there Kristina I know it. It just takes time. Allow yourself the time, allow yourself to tell people off, if it’s needed, allow yourself to feel whatever you are for that day. Your faith will pick you up and guide you. You are an amazing child of God, woman, wife and mother! You are strong, caring and compassionate. Whatever lesson is meant to be learned from this, you will get there. Tell your friends what you need from them. If you need a hug ask for one, if you need them to ask what the look on their face means, do it. It feels good. I pray for you to find peace. I pray that it comes sooner rather than later. You are an amazing person don’t forget that!

  4. I love you.

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