I still struggle with the “How many children do you have?” question. I still have yet to find a perfect answer to that. I feel that if I go the safe route and say 1, I am not honoring my son or his memory. Generally, when I say 2 and they only see Addy, they ask where the other one is. Sure, I can say “oh he is in heaven.” But even with a smile on my face and the cheeriest voice ever, I still get “the look.” The look that says “I am so sorry, and now I am extremely uncomfortable and don’t know what to say.” Sometimes followed by awkward silence, sometimes by questions. Either way, generally people are just making small talk and don’t want to know that much information but how or why do I not include my son? He is still my son. I HAVE 2 KIDS but it’s not that simple.
These days are getting better. My dearest Donavin is still very much a part of my every day life. So much so that in a way I forget he is gone. It is not that I pretend he is here it has just gotten to the point that it is easy to talk about him. Talk about his things. Feel proud that he exists and that I had part in that. I love that but sometimes that can cause more harm because on those days if I find myself stopping to think about him, really think, it’s almost as if I lose him all over again. If it’s just a “Honey, can you hand me Donavin’s blanket?” It’s fine. It’s when it turns into a “Honey, can you hand me Donavin’s blanket…that he never got to use” where it is not. It’s a very fine line. Sometimes that hits me. Sometimes it doesn’t. It is strange to have someone be such a HUGE part of your life, someone you think of constantly, someone you talk about, someone you miss and LOVE SO MUCH, be someone who you don’t know. How can a someone who is and will always be (in this lifetime) a stranger, mean so much you would give practically anything to have them back. It is bizarre and endearing all at the same time.