Next comes 6


For whatever reason I am dreading 6 months. I suppose because it would be a milestone for him. It’s not the milestone I expected, definitely not the one I wanted.  He would be starting the “dadada, mamama” stuff, rolling over, smiling, laughing. I keep picturing him, unfortunately faceless, at different milestones. Pestering his big sister, cuddling with me, with daddy, with sissy. Chasing the dog, pulling his tail. Making mud pies. They almost feel like memories. Like I went through all this with him and that’s why I miss him so much but I know better. The reality is they are the hallmark infused commercials of what will never be. All the seemingly perfect moments I will miss out on in this life without him.

Truth be told, I have no idea what to expect in Heaven. I know he won’t look the same. Will he be matured? Only God knows. I can live with that. ( I say as if I have a choice 😉 I know he is in the greatest hands he can be in much more capable than my own.

I think I would like to do something in memory of him on that day. Possibly go to “the tree.” (the one Dustin carved Donavin’s initials into the day he died) Spread some ashes. With the whole family this time if we can all make it.

I think often of his 1st birthday/1 year anniversary of his death. I am thinking I want to  throw a party in his memory. Is that morbid? Is it weird that I would like to celebrate his birth even if he is not here? I just want everyone to take some time to remember him. I want his memory to live on.

I have the same issue with the memorial tattoo I want. I want to put it on my forearm so everyone can see it, so I can see it, always but on the other hand I am not sure how I feel about a huge tattoo on my forearm. I could put it on my ankle but then it wouldn’t be seen as much…even by me. So that too I am struggling with.

I don’t know how someone would get through this without God. Honestly, I am not certain how some can get through life without him. I don’t mean to offend anyone but in my opinion you would almost have to intentionally ignore God’s presence in the world to not see Him. I suppose for many that is the case. I guess my point is that without knowing that my son was in the hands of the Lord, this would be unbearable. I would be angry, confused, lost…etc. I am not. I know some people might say that “God is a crutch” but it is by the grace of God that I don’t need a crutch. I could’ve easily slipped into a drinking or drug habit to “make my feelings disappear.” I can, to an extent, see how someone would see that as an easier fix. I would lose much more than I would gain. I am hurting. Everyday. I miss Donavin more than I have ever missed anything in my life, more than I have missed everything combined. I know it is for a reason. I know it is all part of God’s plan to make me who he wants me to be. I know there is far greater reason then I can comprehend at the moment.

Knowing doesn’t make it go away.

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One response to “Next comes 6

  1. We celebrate Bella’s birthday every year. At her grave site, we meet, we have cake and we let balloons go, up to our baby girl! We also celebrate her death, and her reunion with God. I think it’s perfectly ok when it helps you deal with it.

    If God did not exsist in our life, dealing with the loss of Bella and my brother would be unbearable. I’d end up just like Robby. Alone, angry, sad, alocholic and chain smoker. He’s cut out everyone in his life who loves him. On the day that we lost Shayne, we too lost Robby.

    With that… Most awesome God, I pray for you to guide Kristina to the healing point she asks from you. I pray for her to feel comfortable in celebrating the life of her son. I lift up to you all that are lost. For all the people whose hearts you are pounding on, Lord, we ask for those people to open their hearts and allow you in. Heal them Lord, heal Kristina. I’ve seen her grow within you through all of this. She is your child and she asks for your comfort. Talk to her and let her know that her beautiful son is with you and healthy and waiting for her. We couldn’t make it through this horrible world without you Lord. Hold Kristina’s hand today as she walks through this tough journey. I thank you Lord for all that you do for us! In the name of your beautiful son, Jesus! AMEN!!

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