For whatever reason I am dreading 6 months. I suppose because it would be a milestone for him. It’s not the milestone I expected, definitely not the one I wanted. He would be starting the “dadada, mamama” stuff, rolling over, smiling, laughing. I keep picturing him, unfortunately faceless, at different milestones. Pestering his big sister, cuddling with me, with daddy, with sissy. Chasing the dog, pulling his tail. Making mud pies. They almost feel like memories. Like I went through all this with him and that’s why I miss him so much but I know better. The reality is they are the hallmark infused commercials of what will never be. All the seemingly perfect moments I will miss out on in this life without him.
Truth be told, I have no idea what to expect in Heaven. I know he won’t look the same. Will he be matured? Only God knows. I can live with that. ( I say as if I have a choice 😉 I know he is in the greatest hands he can be in much more capable than my own.
I think I would like to do something in memory of him on that day. Possibly go to “the tree.” (the one Dustin carved Donavin’s initials into the day he died) Spread some ashes. With the whole family this time if we can all make it.
I think often of his 1st birthday/1 year anniversary of his death. I am thinking I want to throw a party in his memory. Is that morbid? Is it weird that I would like to celebrate his birth even if he is not here? I just want everyone to take some time to remember him. I want his memory to live on.
I have the same issue with the memorial tattoo I want. I want to put it on my forearm so everyone can see it, so I can see it, always but on the other hand I am not sure how I feel about a huge tattoo on my forearm. I could put it on my ankle but then it wouldn’t be seen as much…even by me. So that too I am struggling with.
I don’t know how someone would get through this without God. Honestly, I am not certain how some can get through life without him. I don’t mean to offend anyone but in my opinion you would almost have to intentionally ignore God’s presence in the world to not see Him. I suppose for many that is the case. I guess my point is that without knowing that my son was in the hands of the Lord, this would be unbearable. I would be angry, confused, lost…etc. I am not. I know some people might say that “God is a crutch” but it is by the grace of God that I don’t need a crutch. I could’ve easily slipped into a drinking or drug habit to “make my feelings disappear.” I can, to an extent, see how someone would see that as an easier fix. I would lose much more than I would gain. I am hurting. Everyday. I miss Donavin more than I have ever missed anything in my life, more than I have missed everything combined. I know it is for a reason. I know it is all part of God’s plan to make me who he wants me to be. I know there is far greater reason then I can comprehend at the moment.
Knowing doesn’t make it go away.