So we are on vacation. A vacation that has been planned for a year. For the first 6 months, I planned on having our son with us. It is strange that he is not here. It is stranger that we have spread the first of his ashes here. A beautiful place. One of my favorite in the world. One we will come back to many times in our lives I am sure. It is one of those places that you just cant help but sit back in aw of God’s beautiful creations. It was there that Dustin, Addy, and I each took a handful of Donavin’s ashes and let go. My son slipped through my fingers literally. It was learning to let go all over again.
I have learned something on this trip. Mourning is not learning to let go. I will never let go of my son completely. It is about learning how to let go,a little at a time, over and over again. It is about finding the best way for you to say good-bye and then take it back, and learn how to say good-bye again, until we say hello again I would imagine.
Does this make it any easier. Probably not. Not in the slightest. Understanding, why I feel the way I do does nothing for the way I feel. I wish I could say differently. For the moment, for this trip, I am trying to make it about my daughter. I want to make the memories she has of this trip great ones. I don’t want her to remember that Mommy was sad the whole time. I don’t want her to remember Mommy sad at all. We had our moment about Donavin and now we must hold it together for her. We have her, we are blessed to have her. I will not take her for granted. I will not allow myself to fall into that mode of self-pity. With God’s help, I will focus on the goodness in my life.