Triggers. I know them well. I have heard about them for years in reference to drugs. Never did I think they would have this much of an impact on my or my husband. Songs, babies, days, etc, etc, etc. At a moments notice I can have tears fill my face. It is almost as if, when you are doing just fine BAM something punches you in the stomach and reminds you that the empty pain is still there. I might sound weird, but I am glad it is, it reminds me that my son exists. It’s all the reminders that follow that one that tend to be the problem. My arms are empty. My son is gone. My husband’s son is gone. My daughter’s brother is gone. My family will never in this life feel whole again.
It is strange this backwards rollercoaster. Some days I can talk about him, look at his pictures, write about him all without crying others…feel like all I do is cry.
Writing is healing but I have my issues with it as well. What to write, what not to. I hate to put a filter on my only release but I am beginning to think that there is no safe place. I suppose assuming that a blog on the internet is safe is just naive. I guess, I was naive.