Mother’s day

My dearest Son,

It has been nearly 4 months since you went home to the Lord. I miss you desperately. I have been dreading this mother’s day because for the first time in my life it is bitter-sweet. Sweet because you exist, sweet because I have your big sister to hold and embrace. Bitter because you are not here. I don’t have you to embrace sweet love. I want nothing more than you to hold for Mother’s day. I want to see your big sister hold you and care for you like I know she would. I want to see your Daddy’s proud look on his face when he looks at his boy. I want our family to be whole. I want to know what it would feel like to have us ALL here together to just be for a day. I want to see your beautiful smile and your bright eyes.

My precious son I have a constant fear of losing you all over again. I feel as if the more and more time goes by the more you slip away from me. I find myself wanting to do anything I can to be closer to you. Every night I want to wrap myself in the quilt I was using when I held you. I want to go back to the bed and just be. I want anything I can get to remind me of you no matter what it is.  Necklaces, bracelets, stepping stones, poems…it doesnt matter. I need it. I need it to know you exist. I need it to feel a little bit closer to you. I know the only way to be closer to you is to become closer with God. I know it! But still I feel the need to have all these things of you. I know it will never do. It will never replace you. It will never fill my empty arms or the hole in my heart. It will never sing your heart beat or scream your cries. It will never do. It will never compare to you my baby boy. Nothing will ever compare to you.

Mommy loves you always sweetheart. You’ll always be my baby boy. I will always need you. I am always your Mommy.


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