Hello my son, it’s Mommy again.

Some days I’m ok, I am soooo happy for you and thats what I focus on. Others I am sooo sad for me, and I can’t get away from it. I miss you so much but on my off days it hurts a little more. Your big sissy asks about you all the time. I don’t think a day has gone by where she hasn’t said “I don’t want my baby brother to be died” I dont really know how to respond except to say “me either” I think I even over heard her asking Grandma about when you will wake up. It breaks my heart to not be able to see you 2 together. To not ever have seen her hold you, kiss you, or even kick someone’s butt for you 😉 I know these are all things we will have to wait for…minus the butt kicking. Something tells me you dont see much of that in heaven.

I cant help but imagine what it would be like if you were here. I am constantly picturing how nice it would be to do every day things with my almost 4 month old, my 3 year old, and their Daddy. Just sitting in the grass hanging out, sitting at the table for dinner, going to church. Little things that normally I wouldn’t think much about. Little things that would mean much more if our family was complete. If you were here.

How is heaven? Perfect I suppose. I often wonder what it would be like for a baby. (well, I wonder what it would be like in general but I wonder how it differs for a baby) I wonder if you will still look like my baby when I get there. I wonder what you do and how much you see of this life. Mostly I wonder if you remember me. If you love me as I love you. I dont know how it all works up there. One thing I am sure of is that you are happy. You know continuous joy and bliss.

I have been thinking more and more about what it would be like to be pregnant again. I have always wanted more children. I still do but I wonder how I could with out feeling like I was trying to replace you. I know I can never replace you. I know this feeling of not having our family complete will never go away completely. I accept that. Is it wrong that I want to try again soon?

Their are few things I am sure of these days my love. All I know is I miss you from every depth of my being and I love you more. As does your Big Sissy and Daddy.

Love you always,


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