When I decided to do this I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write about. I am finding that whenever I hit that “new post” button the only thing in my mind is my Son. Which I am okay with. I love to think and talk about him. It is a reminder that he was really here for a brief moment. He makes me smile constantly. The smiles that come with his thoughts are almost catching up with the tears that came and still come with his loss which I think is a good thing. Truth be told I haven’t had much time to really sit and give myself to his memory with the move coming quickly things are pretty chaotic. So it is nice to sit and remember him. Although, selfishly I would still much rather him be in my arms then this empty blanket. I miss him.
I stopped bleeding yesterday. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing in my world. The good is obvious, who really likes to deal with that mess? The bad is this; to me it means whatever trace of my Son was left in my body is now gone and if it’s not I will not see any evidence of what is left. It saddens me. Sometimes I wish I would have held him a little longer. I wish I would have been in a better frame of mind…instead of exhausted for being up for over 26 hours while in labor and emotionally overwhelmed. I wish I would have taken the time to memorize everything about him. I have never physically ached for someone as I do my baby boy.
His smile would have lit up the sky. I am sure it does now. 🙂 The thought makes me smile. I can’t wait to hear his laugh.
Addy talks about him. She is in the “why” stage which makes things difficult of course because we don’t have that answer. She knows he is with Jesus and Great Grandpa and Grandma. She knows they are in heaven which is “far far away.” She asked where Jesus’s car was and told me that Jesus was going to make her a house like heaven. Love some of the things she says!
It’s weird for me to get the compliments I have. People tell me I am so strong and they admire my faith. It’s weird to me. I am the admirer not the admiree. I don’t feel like I have anything to do with it. It is all God and I don’t know how or why. So there it is people. You want to know how I do it, I will have to refer you to my superior…ask God. 😉
Ok so I have a great idea: I am going end each blog with something funny/cute Addy has said recently.
While driving to his Mom’s house to drop Addy off Dustin noticed a Peterbilt truck he liked. He said “Look Addy isn’t that truck cool?!”
Addy’s response “ya Daddy, but it will never be yours”