So I woke up incredibly tired and immediately realized these allergies are NOT my friend. Rushed out the door to make the early service at church. Sitting in church with the family in a great mood. We had gotten done with a great worship and were listening to a sermon when one of the members of our congregation came up to tell his story. In his story was a part about his one of his son’s birth. He said the words “limp baby” and it was like a punch in the gut. ( Thank God his son is alive and well today.) It was hard to hear because it immediately brought back the memories of the first time Donavin was placed in my arms. Limp and blue. It was a vision that was hard to clear my head of for the rest of the day. Lucky for me he was beautiful so I tried to focus on that. It’s so weird how the littlest things seem to bring the world crashing down around me. I wonder how long it will last.
I wonder how he spends his days. I would guess part of it is laughing at his big sister. I would guess a good portion of his day is spent giggling and smiling. I suppose a “day” doesn’t mean much when all you know is eternity.
I have thought long and hard about how I spent those long 9 months. I put so much more into his health then I did with Addy not because I didn’t want the best for Addy, just because I didn’t know any better. When the thought crossed my mind that I went through all that and his birth for nothing, I knew immediately I was wrong. I don’t regret it for a second. He is a part of me. Although he is not with me he is every bit alive and well in heaven. He still exists. I didn’t get to know him but I know I have a son who is half me and half his Daddy. (Although, I have to say he looked more like his Daddy…both incredably handsome if I do say so myself) 🙂 He is part of who I am and who I strive to be, a part of who God wants me to be. He was and still is my gift from God. That still amazes me. I miss him, my arms ache for him…Lord only knows how much they ache. I am so sad to be without him but I am so happy he is with God.
I love babies in general. Seeing them is hard. Hearing them is hard. Touching them I am sure will be harder. I have a sister and a couple of close friends who are expecting and I imagine each of them will be a challenge for me but I am still so happy for them. I couldn’t imagine not being there for any of them. However, I worry that if and when my own emotions get the best of me it will kind of burst their happiness bubble temporarily. Knowing my friends there will be a guilt and I dont want them to feel that way. They should be joyous of the new life that God has brought to them and I am afraid that when they look at me it will remind them of my loss and even their own loss of Donavin. I dont really know what to do about it.