it’s a Sunday alright

So I woke up incredibly tired and immediately realized these allergies are NOT my friend. Rushed out the door to make the early service at church. Sitting in church with the family in a great mood. We had gotten done with a great worship and were listening to a sermon when one of the members of our congregation came up to tell his story. In his story was a part about his one of his son’s birth. He said the words “limp baby” and it was like a punch in the gut. ( Thank God his son is alive and well today.) It was hard to hear because it immediately brought back the memories of the first time Donavin was placed in my arms. Limp and blue. It was a vision that was hard to clear my head of for the rest of the day. Lucky for me he was beautiful so I tried to focus on that. It’s so weird how the littlest things seem to bring the world crashing down around me. I wonder how long it will last. 

I wonder how he spends his days. I would guess part of it is laughing at his big sister. I would guess a good portion of his day is spent giggling and smiling. I suppose  a “day” doesn’t mean much when all you know is eternity.

I have thought long and hard about how I spent those long 9 months. I put so much more into his health then I did with Addy not because I didn’t want the best for Addy, just because I didn’t know any better. When the thought crossed my mind that I went through all that and his birth for nothing, I knew immediately I was wrong. I don’t regret it for a second.  He is a part of me. Although he is not with me he is every bit alive and well in heaven. He still exists. I didn’t get to know him but I know I have a son who is half me and half his Daddy. (Although, I have to say he looked more like his Daddy…both incredably handsome if I do say so myself) 🙂 He is part of who I am and who I strive to be, a part of who God wants me to be.  He was and still is my gift from God.  That still amazes me. I miss him, my arms ache for him…Lord only knows how much they ache. I am so sad to be without him but I am so happy he is with God.

I love babies in general. Seeing them is hard. Hearing them is hard. Touching them I am sure will be harder. I have a sister and a couple of close friends who are expecting and I imagine each of them will be a challenge for me but I am still so happy for them. I couldn’t imagine not being there for any of them. However, I worry that if and when my own emotions get the best of me it will kind of burst their happiness bubble temporarily. Knowing my friends there will be a guilt and I dont want them to feel that way. They should be joyous of the new life that God has brought to them and I am afraid that when they look at me it will remind them of my loss and even their own loss of Donavin. I dont really know what to do about it.


2 responses to “it’s a Sunday alright

  1. Kristina,
    I believe that the only thing you can do about it is pray, pray and pray! Other than that, I don’t think there is going to be anything else you can do. You and your friends and sister will probably have all kinds of different emotions, and the only thing you will be able to do, is just get thru them. I do believe, because of your selfless nature that w/ each exposure it will get easier and I don’t think that means that you will forget about Donavin, it’s just that your happiness for them will outwiegh your sadness for yourself. Thank God April and Cassey seem to be very spiritual women and hopefully they will also pray for God to help them help you.
    I love you, me

  2. Hey hun,

    When Jen lost Bella we’d watch Madison grow and remember how Bella wasn’t here. Sometimes she’d cry and sometimes I’d cry. It’s very strange when and what triggers the memories and kick ya in the gut. Recently, five years later, it kicked Jen and I. Watching Madison with Jen’s youngest, Gabrielle. The kick was, wow, it isn’t Bella packin’ Gaboo around, it’s Madison. Then we were just incredibly happy that Madison was there, to be a part of that.

    Even still after all of these years, when I hear the song played at Shayne’s funeral, and I’m not expecting it, it gets me. You just learn how to live with it. It takes time and there will always be a set back, or a kick in the gut. I think it’s God’s way of reminding us of their presence.

    My heart hurts for the heart ache that you are going through. I unfortunately can relate pretty closely. When your heart just feels like it’s being torn out of your chest. It’s so painful and you wonder when it will go away but at the same time you feel guilty of thinking that it may go away. Does that mean that you are forgetting??? It doesn’t. The most important thing for you to do, is to allow yourself to greive. It’s how you heal. It’s a big fat open wound and you have to allow yourself to heal. When the time comes that you are feeling better, don’t feel bad about it, it’s ok.

    I could go on and on. I feel horrible that this is something that you are having to go through. I love ya! I am always here for you if you want to chat or cry! All my love to you!

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