Grief is interesting

So I have never really experienced an emotional overload like this.  As bad as it may sound it makes it easier to understand why people go crazy.  I am not sure if it is like this for everyone but it just seems like most of my emotions and feeling are so contradicting. This last month and 7 days have seem to drag on yet fly by at the same time. I don’t want to wallow in my sorrow but the thought of not thinking about my son as much scares me to death. I almost feel like I am losing him all over again as time goes on. Only this time it’s happening slowly.  I am desperate for some sense of normal in my life but I feel like that is a lost cause. Will life ever be normal again? I somehow doubt it.

The ups and downs I feel makes me feel like I am a teenager again. I have GREAT DAYS and than one thing will set me off and it will ruin my whole day. I haven’t had this many mood swings since my hormones were raging 🙂 The knowledge of all this…frankly…pisses me off. I am generally a good mood kind of person and the fact that I have been in a bad mood or a down mood more times then not lately pisses me off. It is not who I am or who I want to be. I try to pray about it but then get sidetracked and tend to pray for people I think need the prayer much more than I do.

I want to move on, but I don’t. I want to wrap my every being up in everything that has to do with my precious Son forever but it wouldn’t be fair for my little girl. I can’t even call her baby anymore because she is about to be 3 and I hate it. I don’t want her to grow up but I am not sure if that’s just the parent in me or if its worse now that I don’t have the baby in my arms I expected.

Everything I feel is so uncertain. I question my every emotion. Do I really feel this way or is it the grief talking? Time will tell. Time sucks it never tells you what you want to know fast enough, but it always seems to go by too quickly.

My eyes are open but I still can’t see.

All I can do is pray. Pray that I will find myself through all this crap. Pray that I will not overlook my daughter and the fact that she is still here. Pray that I can still be a good Mommy for her. Pray that I can still be a good wife to my husband. Most importantly pray that God will continue to be my strength. I dont even want to think about what this would be like without him. I can’t fathom how one would be able to continue on after something like this without our Lord.  May God be with them.

Ok because I REFUSE to be all sadness and sorrow, lets take a look at the positive things. 🙂

I still have my faith. I love God more than ever. I feel closer to him then ever. I am so happy my Son is with him. I am not worried about him because I know our Loving God will take care of him forever.

My husband has been extremely patient with me. (Patience isn’t exactly his thing either) I couldn’t have dreamed I would love him more than the day I married him but my love for him grows deeper and stronger every day.

My beautiful baby girl keeps me going. She is my sunshine.  She seems to know just what I need when I need it.  Her smile and laugh lights up my world.

My friends. I wouldn’t remember who I was without them. The reassurance, the love, and the care I receive from them is amazing but most importantly the laughs that remind me that its ok to be happy. That remind me that my son is happy and wants the same for me. I couldn’t live without my friends. I wouldn’t be me without them.

My family. No matter what craziness, they are always there to talk to or just to be there. I wouldn’t trade them for anything!

Well, that’s my vent for today.


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